Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obviousness
by I own the Python's cheese shop
Summary: Random parody I made of, obviously, Chamber of Secrets. Dobby's a gangsta! Seamus is followed by terrorists! Dumbledore isn't gay! Join in the fun! No flames!
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obviousness

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obviousness**

**Chapter 1**

**No offense meant to anyone. I wrote this for fun because I was bored one day. Thanks to my betas, Varietygirl9143 and Guard of Gondor. More should be coming soon!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or for that matter, just about anything I might happen to parody in this fanfic. The only things I own in this are my ideas.**

One afternoon, Harry was contentedly standing on his head in his bedroom in the Dursley's house on Privet Drive. All summer long he had been writing to his friends, asking for news of the outside world, custard recipes, and exotic knock-knock jokes. What was annoying was that he hadn't received a single response yet, and his reservoir of knock-knock jokes was rapidly being depleted. Uncle Vernon interrupted Harry's meditation by sticking his fat head in the doorway and saying,

"Oy, Harry, there's a big highly trained monkey from my company coming over here for dinner tonight, so no magic or any of that jiggery pokery or heads will roll!"

Harry sighed, rolled over, sat down on his bed, and promptly got a blood rush.

As soon as Uncle Vernon shut the door, there was a crack like a peanut shell being stepped on and a strange looking figure appeared. It had a nose ten inches long and ears double that. It came about to Harry's hip and appeared to be wearing a stylish potato sack. On its grubby head, there was a baseball cap (turned sideways for added effect), and some gold chains around its neck.

After a little bit it spoke up.

"Yo wassup Harry Pottah mah homey? My name is Dobby, and I be off da hizzle fo' shizzle! And this place seriously sucks, man…."

"Tell me about it," Harry said dryly.

"Well, the curtains-"

"That was sarcastic." Harry said, rolling his eyes.

After looking somewhat bewildered for a few seconds, the creature said, "Right on, homey."

"Anyway, strange creature called Dobby that just appeared half naked in my room, what on earth are you?"

The strange creature called Dobby that had just appeared half naked in Harry's room responded, "I be a house-elf, fool! A GANGSTA house-elf!"

"Ooookaaay…." Harry said to the strange creature called Dobby that… never mind.

"And don'tcha be goin' to Hogwartz dis year, or y'all gonna die! FO' SHIZZLE!" said Dobby.

"Riiight," Harry said, now thoroughly disturbed by the conversation and looking for possible ways to exit the room.

"Now let me go mess up yo house and ruin yo life, homey!" the house-elf said.

"How about not?" Harry said, but it was too late; the house-elf had already disappeared, making the peanut-shell-crunching noise again, and leaving a faint smell of chili in the air.

**Again, no offense meant to anyone here. Now review, please. It's not that hard, just press the little purple button and type a few words. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

Harry leaped the last six steps of the staircase, landing ape-like on his four limbs in the hall

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obviousness- Chapter 2**

**OK, folks, chapter 2 is finally up! Sorry about the long wait… Really, I have no excuse. I was busy, yeah, but mainly I was just lazy. Sorry. Thanks to all the people who reviewed chapter one, though!**

Harry leaped the last six steps of the staircase, landing ape-like on his forelimbs in the hall. He looked desperately around for any sign of the shiny accessories of the house-elf.

Seeing something glint in the kitchen, he hurried toward the bright neon sign that was suspended just outside the kitchen reading, "Dobby be right here, fool!" with an enormous arrow pointing inside the doorway.

The first thing that Harry saw as he walked into the kitchen was that Dobby was in the 4-inch space between the top cabinet and the ceiling, and the second thing he saw was Aunt Petunia's prized pudding, which was the size of one of those drunken midgets from a sideshow at a cheap fair, suspended in midair.

Harry gasped, dreading what would inevitably come next.

He had to fart.

After he had relieved pressure in his bowels, Harry noticed that Dobby was holding a sign in front of him, which said, "Harry Potter must promise not to go to Hogwartz dis year!"

After pulling out a spare sheet of paper and his trusty caps lock pen, Harry quickly scribbled, "WHY NOT?"

"Cuz terrible nasty things gonna happen if you does!" came Dobby's quick reply.

"LIKE WHAT?" Harry asked.

"Never mind!" wrote Dobby. "That don't matter right now!"

"I HAVE TO GO TO HOGWARTS! IT'S LIKE MY HOME!" Harry wrote enthusiastically. He was running desperately low on loose pieces of paper now.

"It be too dangerous, fool!" Dobby replied. Harry couldn't help but notice that for someone who looked remarkably gangster, Dobby had exceptionally good writing and spelling.

He has exceptionally good writing and spelling for someone who looks remarkably gangster, Harry noted.

"BUT I HAVE TO!! THAT'S WHEre all my friends are!" Harry wrote quickly, too busy to noticing that his caps lock pen was low on ink. He showed Dobby his sign and took a step forward to try and get Dobby away from the pudding which was still hovering ominously over the tile floor.

But Dobby showed Harry a sign which read "Not another step or the pudding gets it, fool!"

Harry backed up a step, trying desperately to remember some of the negotiating techniques he had learned at summer school. Thinking of none he simply wrote a new sign saying, "Don't do it! PLEASE don't do iT, DOBBY!" Harry was still oblivious to the fact that his caps lock pen was working again.

"You gotta promise to not go to Hogwartz first!" Dobby wrote.

"BUT I HAVE TO GO!" Harry scribbled furiously.

"Then I gotta do this!" Dobby said, letting the pudding fall to the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" Harry wrote in slow motion.

The pudding crashed onto the floor with a humongous _**SPPPLOT!**_, covering Harry in bits of pudding. Dobby disappeared with a crack that sounded close to a stale Cheerio being stepped on, this time leaving a smell of old beer and pizza with a lot of garlic on it.

Of course, Harry got into huge trouble with the Dursleys, while Aunt Petunia cleaned up the last remaining bits of pudding and Uncle Vernon made up odd and random excuses for the incident.

"Our next-door-neighbor's-cousin's-very-disturbed-nephew! Very odd! Needs treatment! Dad went to Oxford, you must excuse him! He likes watching 'Animal Planet!' Wilmot Proviso! Gadsden Purchase! Asdafukywakawookiewookieagnio ahiosenbvoisbnuioe hiosejgoisneofaga!" He finished matter-of-factly.

Harry shut himself in his room, trying to think about what had just happened. Had Dobby been sent by someone? If so, who would want him to stay away from Hogwarts? Harry knitted his brow while brooding over this dark question. As usual, he dropped a stitch.

Harry groaned, wondering much longer the author could pull off this crap.

--

**Yes, I know, it was random. Sorry 'bout that… I can't explain any of it, I was partially high off sugar and… the rest is rather ugly, so I won't give you the gory details. Hopefully won't be as long a wait for the next chapter this time….**

**Again, thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: this is chapters 2.5 and 3 because, while I was rereading chapter 2, I realized that I had left out a LOT of the end. Like about 6 pages worth, at least. So, here I have the end of chapter 2 and the full chapter 3. I'll explain a few things about this chapter at the end. Thanks for reading!**

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obviousness**

Chapters 2.5 and 3

---

While Aunt Petunia was still clearing up the remains of the pudding in the kitchen, an owl swooped in and delivered a letter addressed to Harry. Uncle Vernon read it first, and gave it to Harry with a demonic look in his eyes. Harry opened the letter and read:

"_Yo. Harry. We, uh, received, ummm… intelligence that you did magic, like, at your house, like, in front of, like, some Muggles. That ain't groovy with the Ministry, man… ya can't do that, mmmkay? So, uh, just, like, don't do it again, okay? Or else the Ministry'll get you expelled from Hogwarts. 'Cuz that's how the Ministry rolls, okay? Okay._

_So… um… happy birthday?_

_Alfalfa Winterwheat_

_Improper Use of Magic, Dude office_

_Ministry of Magic_"

Harry looked up and gulped. Uncle Vernon was wringing his hands and laughing maniacally.

----------

Two days later, Uncle Vernon had installed bars on Harry's window, put a lock on Harry's door, and installed a cat flap on Harry's door. Uncle Vernon then pounded on the door until Aunt Petunia came to let him out. Strangely, nobody else on the block seemed to notice that suddenly there were bars on one of the Dursley's windows, as if they were keeping someone prisoner in there, like, for example, a male underage wizard or something crazy like that.

But being cooped up in his room all day wasn't the worst of it for Harry. They tortured him in unimaginable ways- twice a day, the food that Aunt Petunia pushed through the cat flap was…

Dinty Moore beef stew. Oh, the humanity!

By the third night, the conditions and the food (if you could call it that) were getting to him.

He dreamed he was in a cage in a zoo. He was curled up in a corner while people rattled the bars and jeered at him. Harry looked up and saw Dudley among the crowd, at the bars of the cage, staring at him. Harry told the people to go away and do inappropriate things to themselves, but they pressed in closer. They were staring at him through the bars of his prison.

Harry woke up still telling them to go away.

And someone WAS staring at him through the bars on the window. The person had long black hair, sickly white skin, and an unusual looking, large nose.

It could only be one person.

Michael Jackson was staring creepily at Harry through the window bars.

Harry screamed.

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere came a flying car. It came in fast and stopped abruptly by Harry's window, running over Michael Jackson in the process. And so the creepy, off-white, child-molesting, plastic-nosed menace was no more.

Ron Weasly stared out of the back of the aforementioned flying car at Harry.

Fred and George came to the back seat of the car and attached ropes to the window bars while Ron whispered to Harry that they had come to break him out.

"Stand back," Fred whispered to Harry.

They gunned the engine of the car and proceeded to very noisily pull the bars out of the wall, waking up everyone on Privet drive. Everyone, of course, except the Dursleys.

----------

(Mr. and Mrs. Smithe's house, four blocks down Privet Drive from the Dursleys)

Mr. Smithe woke with a start with his wife beside him, having heard this God-awful sound which sounded a lot like bars being pulled out of a wall by a flying car or something.

"What the (*expletive*) was THAT?!" Mr. Smithe said to his wife.

----------

Fred and George climbed out the back window of the car and into Harry's room while Harry rushed about gathering all of his things.

"Wait," he said to Fred and George. "My school stuff, my trunk, my wand, and my broomstick are all downstairs, in the broom closet under the stairs! And the door is locked."

"Not to worry," George said. "We've learned a few Muggle tricks. Most people think they're a waste of time, but they're actually quite useful."

"The Muggles?" Harry asked.

"No, the Muggle tricks," George replied. Harry cursed the author's vague sentences.

"Fred?" George said. "You do the honors."

"Right-o," Fred responded. And with that, Fred pulled out the Beretta 9 millimeter handgun that he kept with him at all ties and put 3 rounds in the lock.

The whole neighborhood woke up again. Everyone except the Dursleys, that is.

----------

Mr. Smithe and his wife woke up abruptly again.

"Bloody imbeciles," Mr. Smithe swore. "What the (*expletive*) is going on over there anyways?!"

----------

George kicked open the door and the twins walked into the hall. They spotted the staircase and went to collect Harry's things.

"Be quiet! And be careful of the last step, it creaks!" Harry warned as Fred and George bounded down the stairs with all the grace and subtlety of a charging herd of drunk rhinos.

The twins wheezed as they pulled Harry's things back up to his room and passed it through the window into the car.

Harry was about to climb into the car when he heard a quiet yawn behind him. He turned around and Hedwig clicked her beak at him.

"THAT RUDDY OWL!!" Uncle Vernon thundered.

Harry rushed back and grabbed Hedwig's cage. The hallway light came on as Harry passed the cage out to Ron and got ready to get into the car. The door flew open and fell off its hinges as Uncle Vernon came waddling into the room. He stood stunned there for a second in the doorway, taking in the scene. Then he yelled, "HE'S GETTING AWAY, PETUNIA!!!! HE'S GETTING AWAY!!!!!!" He then waddled over to the window as fast as his pudgy legs could carry him, and managed to grab Harry's ankle as Harry slipped into the car. George pulled as hard as he could, but Uncle Vernon was stronger, and Harry started coming slowly back into the room. But Fred pulled out his Beretta M9 and fired 7 shots into Uncle Vernon's general area and Uncle Vernon let go, surprised. Ron and Fred pulled Harry into the car and George stomped on the accelerator.

They all laughed uproariously as they sped away, leaving the Dursleys leaning out the window, dumbstruck.

"So, what's the story, Harry?" Ron asked. Harry told them the whole story all the way from the gangster house elf to the Weasley's flying car coming to pick him up.

At the end of the story, the three brothers looked at him like he was crazy.

"Well, that's… weird," Fred said, voicing the general opinion of the group.

"Very shady," George agreed.

"Extremely irregular," Ron chimed in.

"Who would've sent him, though?" Harry asked.

"Is there anyone at school who has a grudge against you, Harry? Someone who wouldn't want you back?"

"Draco Malfoy," Harry and Ron said in unison.

"What?!" George said. "Not Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy, the poof-y former Death-Eater?"

"Afraid so," Ron said.

"Makes sense," Harry said. "He seems like someone who'd love the dark arts, and he seems like a poof too."

"Yeah, it runs in the family," Ron said.

They talked for a while, sharing what had happened over the summer and about the incidents at the Dursleys, until it started to get light outside.

"Almost there," Fred said. "About ten minutes until we land."

Soon they were flying low over trees and a village, getting closer and closer to the ground while going slower and slower, until the finally hit the ground with an enormous _**CRASH**_ and a huge cloud of dust.

"Excellent!" George said. "Better landing than normal!"

Harry dislodged himself from the top of the car and shakily got out. He stared at the house in front of him.

"It's not much," Ron said.

"It's wonderful!" Harry said, marveling at the first wizarding house he'd ever seen.

"Alright, now let's get upstairs before mum wakes up!" George said, before turning around to see his mother storming down the walk toward them, chickens fleeing before her wrath and the butcher knife she held in her hand.

"Oh, boy," Fred said.

Mrs. Weasley looked like she'd eaten a nuclear warhead for breakfast and was about to blow up in a mushroom cloud.

She glared at them until George's hair began to smoke and Fred said sheepishly, "Hi, mum."

Then she exploded.

She started screaming at them with a violence Harry had never thought possible. It seemed to go on for hours.

"ARE YOU MAD- FLYING- MIDDLE OF NIGHT- NO NOTE- ANY IDEA WHAT YOU WERE DOING- WORRIED SICK- SLEPT WITH A MONKEY- WHERE COULD YOU HAVE GONE- SO STUPID OF YOU- oh, hello, Harry- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, I'VE BEEN- oh wait, HARRY POTTER! Hello, hello, hello! It's such an honor! Do come in, Ron's been telling us so much about you, oh do come in!"

"Nice save," Fred whispered to Harry.

"Slept with a monkey?" George muttered, having lost all respect for his mother.

They came in, and Mrs. Weasley quickly made an enormous breakfast. She kept on shoveling food onto Harry's plate and shooting dirty looks at her children. Finally George made a move to go upstairs, but he was caught by a monkey coming downstairs.

"Oh, do go back upstairs, Mr. Wiggles," she said, before turning to George, Fred and Ron and saying, "No going back to bed for you! YOU are going to de-gnome the garden!"

Fred started to say, "Awww, mum…" but she gave him the mother of all evil looks and he snapped to attention and yelled, "Ya wohl, Herr Commandant!"

Harry wondered where the German had come from, and why the chapter was taking so long.

Just then, Mr. Weasley (or at least, Harry assumed it was Mr. Weasley) walked in the back door. He was wearing a long leather vest with fringe hanging down at the ends. His wild, curly red hair had been badly straightened, giving it the appearance of a poodle that had been caught in the rain. His wand hung in a cloth holster which was strapped across the front of his purple tie-dye shirt. Harry thought he looked extremely stylish.

"Hey, man, what's with the wreck in the yard? That's not cool, man, I spent some serious time grooming that lawn, that's not groovy, man."

"Hey Dad," the Weasley children chorused, as though this were not an unusual entrance.

"Hello, Arthur. The ungroovy state of the lawn is entirely your sons' fault," Mrs. Weasley said sourly.

"Seriously?" Mr. Weasley replied. "That's not cool."

"But Dad!" Fred said.

"We flew in the car!" said George.

"The flying car!" said Ron.

"That's right!" said Harry.

"Wait just one groovy moment," Mr. Weasley said. "You" —he pointed at Harry— "are not one of my sons!"

Harry blinked. "You're right."

"As long as we all agree…. Groovy," Mr. Weasley intoned.

And on that note, Mrs. Weasley – with the help of her electric cattle prod—herded the boys out to the back garden.

Fifteen minutes later, they were playing baseball with a bludger bat and all the garden gnomes they could grab.

Fred was at bat, the count was 1-2, with 3 innings left to play. Harry had been brought in as a relief pitcher after Ron had suffered a nasty bite on his thumb (which was now turning green). George was in the outfield. Harry wound up and delivered a slider right over the plate and just below Fred's swing, striking him out and hitting the gnome against the tree trunk they were using as catcher. When Harry came up to bat, he blasted the second pitch way back and over Fred's head in the outfield, over the hedge row that served as the outfield wall, and sent it rolling down the hill beyond right-center. Harry pumped his fist as he rounded the bases in celebration. Harry was mobbed by the three brothers and they all went back inside, discussing Harry's game winning hit and how weird it was that the author should spend so much time talking about an entirely pointless thing.

Ron started taking Harry upstairs to show him his room. They walked in and Harry was blinded by all the orange in the room. The walls were orange, the bedspread was orange, the clothes draped on the floor were orange, even the ancient-looking pizza slices still in the box in the corner were orange. Harry didn't think that was particularly healthy.

"It's not much…" Ron began.

"This is the _best house_ **EVAH**!!!!" Harry said.

**About the letter: the name came from me starting to spell Mafalda Hopkirk's first name backwards, making it Adlafam, but I decided to change it to Alfalfa, just because. The baseball game was just kinda random, it started out as a good idea, but I didn't know how to get out of it. Sorry that it got a little slow in the middle, and that it was egregiously long by my standards. Anyways, thanks to ****Varietygirl9143 ****for helping me with the late middle to end, and for help along the way. Thanks to you for reading and reviewing (hint hint). **

**Please note: if you have something against what I've written here, please note first off that this is a parody; and then secondly, please tell me what you've got against it. I'll try to fix it. **

**ALSO: I have ideas, but not the entire book is planned out yet. If you have a request, feel free to ask me to put something in. I do NOT guarantee that I WILL put it in, but if it's funny, I just might, and I will give you credit.**

**Again, thanks for reading.**


End file.
